Long and Partial Explanation of Why I Seem So Down.

2 1/2 years. Thats how long I have been single, and for those of you that know me…..thats a long ass time. I once was known for going no more then a week without a girlfriend by  my side, truthfully I think before this stretch the longest time I was single was 2 months (that I can remember). However it has not been from the lack of trying that I have been single this long, it just seems as though after the first date girls just lose interest in me, and lately I havent even been getting to the first date they are ditching me before I even get to that point, we will set the date up but on the day of, something seems to come up (possibly vomit from the thought of spending that much time with me). That right there is the reason why its happening, I bring people down and I have no confidence in myself, but lets think back on why that might be.

Well I guess it all started when a 3 year relationship ended with me having to throw a ring into a river after having that person leave me a month before I was going to propose (I look back and it was dumb wasnt ready anyways) but I was so torn and lost that I tried to commit suicide, then spent a few days in a pyshc ward followed by pills that made me feel nothing, they numbed my feelings so much I cant even cry for real anymore (except when my dog died, doesnt sound like a country song does it). The only thing that pulled me out of that you ask? A GIRL! I got out of the hospital and not an hour later we went to go see a movie, then I almost died on a winter camping trip in the BWCA, but thats off topic.

Serious relationship number two was amazing but rather bumby, it was like getting pulled behind a boat on a tube in really choppy water, its dangerous and it hurts but its just too much fun to call it quits. That ended poorly as well because I was a little on edge after the suicide thing, but too add to that when I left for the summer she started dating one of my best friends, and that is just barely explaining the trials and tribulations that I we went through in that relationship (we were both to blame though).

Number three on the serious relationships…….it was perfect, she was the most amazing thing to ever happen too me, I haver never had that much fun in a relationship before and have it come so naturally, we rarely fought and if we did it was on stupid things like directions too someones house, or me getting lost downtown. But it was almost too perfect, and I knew something had to go wrong, didnt anticipate it by any means, I just knew something was coming. Suffice it to say she was just too free spirited, she coudnt stay in one place or situation for very long and she had too move on. So she packed her bags and moved westward, I see her now and again when she comes to visit family and we try too talk once a month but I missed her so much for the longest time I didnt even want anything too do with anyone else, but someone always comes along, right? Well that was 2 1/2 years ago so whats been happening since……

This is where things take a strange turn, I fell in love again but this time it was forbidden I fell in love with a girl that was in love with someone else, how? Well she treated me better then most girls that said they loved me have and she was already in love. So either I was making bad choices before about my women or this was super girl. Ever since I have just been trying to play the field and I havent gotten very far, and it because after all of that has happened to me I have turned into a bitter man with a broken heart. Keep in mind this is just my relationship side of things, lets not even get into the family side of it. I am way too much to handle for any girl because of this, they get scared away.

Thing is I have been alot more outgoing in the past year, I have been on alot of dates and almost dates, granted none of them worked out but I havent given up. All I want now is for someone to spend my time with to enjoy the life we have, not talking marriage or anything like that, it would just be nice to have someone around who I can relate to and have fun with.

Can I make it happen on my own? After my luck as of late I dont know but I have to keep trying, but I most likely wont turn down any help and advice anyone can throw my way in the mean time. All I know is I am sick of being single….anyone else.

-Jon

Wow…..Blogging, so 2 years ago.

  So its been at least a year since I have written a post. Lots has happened….got a new truck, parents got divorced, moved to Fargo, got a job working construction, then got screwed over in the winter when we dont work, and my dog Magic just died from a seizure.

  As depressing as this winter has been as the weather started to warm so did my mood, funny how that works. I am still at a general loss as to the direction in wich my life is headed, but thats ok cause I realized that I just want to experience life and the world as much as I can while I am young and dont have a crazy job that locks me down for everything and stops me from doing anything.

  So far I have been on a couple hiking trips and plan many more in the coming year throughout the country, and eventually I hope to make the grand  trip to Ireland (long term goal of mine). I hope to go back to school next fall and major in buisness or art or back to graphic design. I also plan on moving into a house in a couple months with my buddy Matt and hopefully someone else to minimize costs (so if anyone is interested let us know).

  There are a few other things in the works that I am excited about in my life but I will wait to the come to fruition before really going into detail, lets just say for these things to happen it is taking alot of things that I have had to get over.

  Well I will bid farewell for now and hope to continue these more often now.

-Jon

The Dell Affliction

    So one of my roomates was having troubles with her “Dell” lappy, basicaly it got a virus which decide to go ahead and eat its way through the OS doing random naughty things. One might ask “Didnt she have virus protection?” and I would respond with “Well yes she did Timmy, but it was what came with the computer, and Dell only puts anti-virus software on your computer that expires after 80 days of use and sucks balls.”

So last night I tried to fix it, and while going through deleting programs here and there and trying to clean out the registry, more and more programs I didnt delete started to dissapear, Internet Explorer being one of them (dont even get me started on IE), so I couldnt connect to the internet to even download something to try and get rid of it anymore. At this point (11PMish) I got frustrated and called it quits telling her that she probably should just bring it in somewhere since I fealt like I was making it worse. Then early in the morning after the frustration wore off I started searching for thing online to see what I could do about it. Sure enough I found away, so today I spent the later parts of the evening repairing her computer (I just found out how to wipe it clean and restore it to factory settings) and then putting newer and better programs to help in the hopes that such a thing wont happen again (if she comes to me tommorow saying something is wrong, im telling her she is on her own).

I hadnt fixed a computer in some time now (let alone a Dell which this is the first time I have succesfully fixed one) and it fealt good to do it again. An exhalerating feeling of accomplishment and completion (which doesnt happen to me often) .

-Jon

P.S. I went snowshoeing yesterday and it was the bomb!

The Light Fades and the Darkness Consumes.

    I know the things that are wrong with me I know the struggle within, but nothing I do can stop this downward spiral. I could blame it on the seasonal depression or the anxiety dissorder, either way no excuse can help me claim what was once a part of myself. I feel as though I am trapped between worlds, one a world full of light and happiness the other consumed by fear and darkness. The darkness sourrounds me more and more especially as I try to sleep but fail due to my mind drifting in and out of thoughts of death and disbelief in God. The light is distant and flashes every so often in forms of the people that love me, and sudden glimpses of hope scattered throughout mostly in the form of a girl who I see some future with only for a split second before I am confronted by fear.

I think I latch onto women because I was shown love only by my mother, and my father had nothing but a memory of what I could have been to him. I seek comfort in the arms of a women because of this (i think), and I find my self always longing for more. The problem is my confidence in myself is faltering, I can no longer work up the guts to even approach a girl that I am interested in (which happened this last weekend), and girls look for confidence in there men.

My mind is struggling to keep control of my emotions, I begin to shake as my mind tries to push me to the edge of breaking , but I can not give in. Because I have no insurance I can not get the pills I once took to keep this in check or see a psychatrist or a doctor for help. I am becoming rude and more difficult to deal with for those around me as the winter days grow colder and the sun hides from the darkness earlier each day. Last year wasnt as bad because of a person who was pushing me to  be better then this, and distracting me from the darkness withing by showing me light in places I have overlooked before.

I wish you were here.

-Jon

Nerds + Christmas = Good Times.

Once again the world of Guild Wars the online MMORPG throws on the holiday chear, with Winterfest 06. Spiked Eggnog, Candy Canes galore, and a fun snowball fight minigame to win the favor of the two gods batteling it out for control over winter. The cities are decorated as shown below to give off that holiday spirit.

I am not a big fan of Christmas and I really havent been since I was very young, but things like this make me want to enjoy it a little more, even just for a little bit. The feeling I once had during this time of year will be tough to re-gain, but emrecing myself into a fantasy world with thousands of others makes me feel as if I am not alone.

You wonte hear me say this very often, Merry Christmas! (Mainly toward jason since I am pretty sure he is the only one that ever reads any of this.)

-Jon

P.S. 21st B-Day in T-minus 10 days and counting. I am also very happy for a friend who just got engaged, but certain things within myslef make it very difficult for me to congradulate her. For it is truly time to fully let go, of something I have tried so hard to for the last 3 years.

Such a Wonderful Gift for the Season.

 Simply amazing, my respect for JT just went up a little.

Missing Something, But What?

    I am not sure if it is the seasonal depression that I have or just a wanting to have some things be the way they once were. To be honest I miss being with my friends from the cities, truly I had not realized how much so till I really stopped to think about it. Being so cut off and selfish for the past three years has made me think about what they really meant to me, no matter how many fights we got in. I miss sitting around the fire talking about the stupidist things imaginable, or sitting in Travis’s basement just chillin’ after a long day of school. I look back now and see that the journey we have all taken over the years has been one of great friendship, adventure, fun, and love. In comparison to my situation these days I find those to be much simpler times. I regret isolating myself so quickly after graduation, running away from what I thought was a place I no longer wanted to be. The path I have taken has been one that needed to be taken for me to grow as a person, though that journey is far from over. I also miss the city itself, though I love the country it is ever so lonely here.

I am fearful of where the path before me leads, to more regret and sorrow, or to love and hope for tommorow? Will I take time in planting the seeds, so I may be rooted and strong, or dilluted and frail?

My thoughts lead me to the conclusion that I must find a school close to the cities to attend. My only fears are that of my family, and where I will live. My issue is that I have no friends in the cities willing to go in on an apartment with me or even renting a house. I do not want to find myself back in the house I once called home, which is now nothing but a memory and just a house with empty walls.

For I am at a crossroads of my life, the choice is mine and mine alone. Where it will lead me I do not know, but there is little left in this life of mine to stop me from taking chances. If I end up under a bridge cold and hungry, so be it, at least I can say I gave it one more shot before throwing in the towel.

“Everyone has their obsession, consuming thoughts, consuming time, they hold high their prize posestion, that defines the meaning of their life.”  -”You Are Mine” by MuteMath

-Jon

New Kicks New Thrills

I think that I am more content with my life in general then I have ever been before. Living at camp again is refreshing though the work is repetitive and the pay is really…..well its camp. Being single has never been this good for me, and those that know me, know that is tough to say. Skating has given me a new hobby and helps me stay in shape a little. Really the only things that I think are not going so smoothly are my family (which doesnt bother me that much for some reason), and the prospect of getting back into school and trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. I almost forgot one, money is a problem but really when will it not be. So overall things are going swinginly.

Today I went to St. Cloud and bought a new beanie and a new pair of shoes, they are “es K7’s” which are normally about $80 but they were on sale at Zumiez for $54 so I couldnt resist, especially since my Circa’s have the soles worn almost completely through them and the side is getting torn from ollies. I also designed a new skateboard today that I really like, probably the best one I have done so far. FS Skateboard on Deviant Art

Peace Out,

-Jon

How many things…..

How many things can go wrong? Well lets add it up, since being in Moorhead I got screwed over at a job, couldnt pay rent, got a flat tire that was really hard to replace (since no one stocks the size), had to move out, piss people off in that process, have trouble trying to get someone to help me move out at the time I needed, found out I wouldn’t get payed for the work I did all of Oct. until the end of Nov. (so no money). To top it all off, today on the way back to camp my car died and couldn’t stay running unless you had your foot on the gas. So now I may have to find a new car which I have no money to pay for. So I will either have to take out a loan from the bank or from a relative, which I don’t want to do since I have to start paying back my school loan starting next month. Grand ol’ time, let me tell you.

Struggling,

-Jon

The Goon Bible Project: Job

Ok so I stumbled accross this video that is amazing check it out.